Gender equality starts with many little changes by Prof. Dr. Angelika Harbauer
MPI for Biological Intelligence
“I want to prioritize my career”
Even as I am writing this, I can hear in my mind the collective gasps from people around me: “How could you?” “Don’t you love your child?” “Your child needs her mother!” Making me wonder if their reaction would have been the same if such a statement had come from a man.
We women in academia have a problem: The most critical years of our career are also the child-bearing years. And if we are deciding to have children, our partners, mothers, neighbors, everybody expects us to take over the majority of the care, unlike the father. Because “women are just better at this” and “it’s only natural”. Let me tell you once and for all, it’s not. There are studies showing that fathers and mothers are equally suited to be the primary caregiver for a child (e.g. Jones C, Foley S & Golombok S, 2021), arguing against any innate, biological reasons that support the notion “a child needs his/her mother”. As long as the father or even an unrelated adult/new partner picks up the responsibility, infants have no trouble bonding to that person and develop into happy and healthy children.
I can second that from personal experience. While I went back to lab six weeks after giving birth, my husband stayed at home with our daughter for over a year as her main caretaker. And she was well cared for, developed great and is currently a happy and healthy four-year-old that loves both her Mama and Papa. I was very fortunate to have a partner that supports me in this and many other ways and I appreciate him every day for it. Not only for his support but also for pushing through despite the many times he felt awkward for being the only male adult at a playground or for entering the women’s restroom to use the changing table there. And it’s those many small, subtle occurrences that reiterate and solidify the notion that child care is not for men. Changing tables are by default put into the women’s restroom (unless there is an extra room) and I spent hours searching for a Emoji that would let me accurately convey my family situation: A couple with a child, with the father pushing the stroller. There are millions of Emojis, reflecting all the diversity of coloring and sexual orientation, but if there is a woman in the picture, SHE is pushing the stroller. So I am also writing this piece to change this (see figure 1), to show the internet and the world that there are alternative solutions. And as science in an academic setting is such a taxing job, it is necessary that our partners take at least 50% or even more of the responsibility, giving us the time and (even more importantly) the peace of mind to focus on our science.
MPI for Biological Intelligence
“Behind every successful woman, there is a strong man” who defies the rules of society and does not prioritize his career over his kids as so many of his peers. We need more of them, and we need aspiring women scientists to talk to their partners early on about their expectation when it comes to parental leave and caring responsibility, not when the baby is already on the way. Because for young men this is a new lesson that they need to learn, a new role that they usually do not have any role models for. And where should those role models come from, with child care firmly in women’s hands and the exceptional male a curiosity that is rarely admired for his choice. But they should be. Being a loving and devoted partner and to raise a smart and happy child is as much a rewarding and important job than any business career, but that is a shift in mindset that not many have accomplished, yet. But if more of us do, then, maybe, one couple at a time, we can finally become true equals.
Reference:
Jones C, Foley S & Golombok S (2021), Parenting and child adjustment in families with primary caregiver fathers, Journal of Family Psychology 36(3), 406–415. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000915
You can connect with Angelika on her lab’s Twitter or Website.
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